Living For Myself

        Me. How egotistical that word feels. I have never been a selfish person. I was born a pacifist. I desire to please others. Herein I find joy. Giving my all to help another has brought balance in my life. In this, my existence has been lived for others; for my friends, for my teachers, for my parents, and for my religion. 
        Me. (I am working on using that arrogantly proud noun more often.) I have a hunch. A hunch can be difficult to explain; but do let me try. The easiest words I can find to clarify my intentions are these: I am wrong. 
        Allow me to enlighten you with a story. I am a Christian. I always have been. A few months ago I realized something: I was in doubt. God was nothing but a story, a tradition and a habit. In lieu of this awareness, I realized something else: I am eighteen years old; nobody is forcing me to practice anything. I am highly averse to hypocrisy; hence, my activation in church was beginning to hinder my peace. A catalyst of doubts began to force their existence into my life.  
        At this point, it hit me. Never have I lived for myself. For my friends, for my teachers, for my parents, for my religion: always. But time changes things. Someday, my friends will no longer be my friends. Someday, a teacher is someone I will be, and not someone I rely on. Someday, I will not live at home, and my dependance on parents will fritter away. Someday, I may realize that there isn't a God, and that living for religion was futile all along. Time changes things; always. And this change was inharmoniously stealing time from beneath my feet.
        Me. It was time; time to think of me. The intuition of a friend inspired him to tell me these words, "I hope what you want in life, is what you need in life; and I hope you find it and take it." During a time of bewilderment and chaos, these words brought a welcomed sense of clarity. I took a seat. I made a list: things I want. I narrowed it down: things I need. I made a new list: how to get there. Goals. It was the first time in my life I’ve made a goal not considering my friends, my teachers, my parents: only me. It was what I wanted, what I needed: and that made all the difference.
        Me. I had to think of me. I had to live for me. I began where I left off. First on my list: God. I had to know. I read the words of the prophets more fiercely than ever I have before. With the personal drive, the words came alive. With a prayer in my heart, I read the scriptures, desiring the wisdom to know whether or not these words were real. Night after night, tears sprang to my eyes as the Holy Ghost whispered to me the truthfulness of the gospel. He testified to me. Me. And now I know. I know for me. This truth is mine.
        I used to feel that by living for others, I was living a good and charitable life. I was wrong. I have learned that I must live for me, and me alone. I want to make decisions, and sometimes mistakes; and I want to be able to look back on my past, and see me in my life. I want the ground I walk upon to be touched by me - not by my friends, my teachers, my parents, or even my religion; just me.
        So there it is - my hunch. And here I go, living for me. Selfish, egotistical, and happy Me.